7 Signs That You May Be Too Truthful (and 7 Signs You May Be Too Compassionate)

Too truthful? Too compassionate? How can that be?

Life demands a balance between truth and compassion, between justice and forgiveness, and between rules and exceptions. This can be a very difficult balance to maintain.

To experience absolute truth is a longing we all have; this longing is often reflected in what we say to others, thinking that we tell them the truth they need to hear.

Simon Cowell from American Idol is too truthful.

But consider that the truth is much more complicated than it appears. Most of what we think of as truth is simply points of view that are consistent with our own. But truth holds every point of view, and every point of view contains some truth.

Consider too that the truth is often very hard to hear. That’s because most of what we perceive about ourselves and the world is a projection, a mixture of what we hope is true, what we fear may be true, and our preconceived notions about ourselves, others, and the world. When our projection of reality is threatened by a larger reality, it is both terrifying and liberating.

Here’s how you can tell that you may be placing too much emphasis on truth, and not enough on compassion.

1. People deny what you say is true. Just as people go through stages of grief – which is an adjustment to a larger truth – people also go through stages of truth, starting with denial. When Simon Cowell gives a negative comment on someone’s performance in American Idol (which he often does), look at how people respond. Denial can be important, because it’s where truth is tested and refined. Probably not everything you said was true; or it may be missing other truths that complete the picture. The truth that emerges from negation will be more refined, more powerful.
2. People get angry at the things you say. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? People often respond to the truth with anger.
3. You are a lightening rod for criticism. A natural consequence of anger is to criticize, to shoot the messenger.
4. You often tell people, “I’m just being honest”. That’s another way of saying, “It’s your own fault that you can’t handle the truth”. Of course it’s true that people’s negative reactions come from their inability to take in the truth in what you say, but this doesn’t free you from the consequences. We are each responsible for our own feelings, yet we are sensitive, and we get hurt by what we say to each other.
5. People rarely ask for your opinion on things that matter to them. They sense that you’ll tell the truth, but they also sense that what you say may not be easy to hear. People will ask your opinion when they are searching for the truth, but that’s pretty rare. Even when people say they want the truth, they often don’t really want much more than a confirmation of their own view.
6. People do not expose their vulnerabilities to you. Why would you expose where you’re vulnerable when your experience is that a person says hurtful things?
7. People do not look to you for support. Life is hard. We each need a lot of help, appreciation, positive feedback, and support from each other. When you emphasize truth, people don’t look to you for that support, unless they already know you’ll agree with their point of view. But areas of agreement tend to be narrow. What people usually want when they seek support is not agreement, they want love and acceptance.

Alright, so I think you’re with me on the point that it’s possible to be too truthful. But too compassionate? Yes, that too is possible. Now, I’m using “compassion” to mean acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, and support -the softer side of the heart, where truth is the hard side of the heart.

1. People don’t think you have high standards. When you accept people for who they are, you can overlook how they wish to be (or they may feel you do so). There’s a lot of things people do that they don’t approve of: bad habits, old patterns, distasteful personality traits. When you give your acceptance, you give a kind of tacit approval of these things.
2. People feel a little too comfortable with you. They indulge themselves in their bad habits.
3. When people ask your opinion, and they say “tell me the truth”. You don’t usually say those words to a person who is more on the truth side of things. “Come on, Simon, tell me the truth now, how do you like my singing?”
4. People accuse you of being unfair. The reason for this is that some people take more from you than others, and then those who received less tend to say it’s unfair. The person who needs more is given more, which may cause problems. When you forgive people, those who weren’t forgiven feel wronged, that they weren’t held to the same standard. But forgiveness is appropriate for some and not others. To treat everyone the same would be unjust indeed, because we’re all different.
5. You resent all the demands people make of you. Being compassionate will inevitably lead to more and more demands. Again, life is hard, and people are thirsty for compassion. But this can lead to resentment, if you allow yourself to give more than you have to give.
6. People take advantage of your kindness. The great “unintended consequence” of being kind to others is that it sometimes brings out the worst in a person. It takes great insight to truly help a person, and great self-control and self-knowledge to be able to be truthful or kind as needed.
7. You allow situations to continue that are wrong for yourself and others. There are certain things which cannot be accepted. There are times when things must change. There is a time when the truth must be spoken, even if it will be hard to hear, even if it will hurt people, because to stay silent would be worse.

Certain kinds of people tend more toward truth, others tend more toward compassion.  A really good framework for understanding people is our 12 archetype system, which is the theme of our upcoming retreat group retreat. One of the best ways to work on this balance between truth and compassion is to use the four elements, described in Living from the Heart. An even better way is to work with a mentor.